cleared...

today, i spend hours to identify the reason...
and i found it...
and she discovered too and complaint it to me...
well, although she didn't know i been trouble by this...
she did helped(indirectly)...
and so, i found the identity of the mist...

the mist which blind me and make me lost between care and love...
is my habit while i'm with people i care of...
the over-thinking plus over-reacting and over-protective...
whats that?
means care too much and worry too much for no reason...
although i'll just react this way to a few people...
but i know it is the main reason i confuse again...
and she discover that too...
what an asshole i am, hah...

and the second reason i confuse...
i feel easy around her...
why i feel that way?
i don't know...
but it great to have that with a friend...
and i do not want to change this...
and hopes that she feels the same way...
although i can be quite boring most of the time...
and keeps on saying random stuff...
but still, hopes she's ok with that...

so as conclusion...
it may be just an illusion from my over-thinking...
illusion that i may still love her...
it may be just an illusion...
just care, too care...

by the way...
as a reminder to myself...
i'm one of the crossed in that list, remember???

i lied

i lied...
although not lied about the whole thing...
but i'm sorry, i did lied...

yes, i feel emo, thats true...
i feel miserable and confuse...
and the trouble i told is also true...
just that it is not the reason i turn emo that time...
and it true that i seems to be lost in the mist of labyrinth...
AGAIN...
why i mentioned again???
because is the same old labyrinth i thought i break through long ago...

like i mentioned before...
once you loved someone with your whole heart...
that love will never leave, it will stays on and slowly transform into care through times...
you will still care no matter what...
even when they treat you as "hi-bye" friend, normal friend, best friend or even stranger...
and it goes the same for me...

why i lied???
cause i scare...
and because i care...
i can't tell you that i seems to be back in that labyrinth...
the labyrinth which keeps question me "am i care? or love?"...
i tell myself is care...
but part of me doubt it...
because i will still react the same way, do the same thing and feel the same way i did before...

why i lied???
i scare to have another stranger in my life...
i scare to lose another person i care so much in my life...
and yet, the word clarity appears...
looks like i really have to tidy up everything....
no matter what it cause...
solve it alone or with someone...
i must take the action fast....
and i know, no matter is care or love...
i will keep the answer and tell no one...
because she seems happy for the way it is right now...
with someone love her by her side and giving her happiness...
i can still remember her smile with happiness spread on her face...
i'm happy and love to see that...

Leraid

welcome back my old friend, Leraid...

whenever i'm in trouble...
whenever i'm in deep thought...
whenever when i need a brain storming...
he will be there...

we will debate...
we will reason...
until the problem solves...
he will question...
he will answer...
until the doubts are cleared...

whenever i'm sad...
he'll comfort me...
whenever i'm lost...
he'll guide me back on course...
whenever i'm timid...
he'll boost me up with courage and confident....

even though most people ask me to stop finding him...
so that i can remain normal....
so that i'm not a freak in other's eyes...
why???
because Leraid only exist in my mind...
yes, an imaginary friend...

but to me, Leraid is an angel sent by God...

a gift from God...
without him, i will never been able to overcome all those tragedy i had faced...
i may never been able to get up and faced those fear...
i will never be here today...
i had regret that i locked him away for so many months...
locked away for almost 2 years...

and today, by seeing him once again....
my mind opened once more...
see things clearer...
and i hope that my journey from now on can be better and better...
no more same mistake which i had been made for the past 2 years....
no more...

random...

what i always wanted...
is to be simple...
and i know...
no matter how simple a life is...
there will always be hardship...
therefore, effort is important even for a simple life...

maybe my effort is not enough...
or maybe the effort i done doesn't showed up through my daily life...
maybe i just had to add on some more effort...
struggle more...

and maybe just then...
the one i had been waiting...
will really appeared...
the one who recognize my effort...
the one who can share a simple life...
with me...

free time panic...

recently...
i had lost interest in many things...
been stopped playing computer games...
stopped my manga and comic obsession...
and therefore...
my free time suddenly doubled, or even tripled...
since i never really developed my hobbies...
my new extra free time started to make me panic...
been trying to used up all into my study section...
but the side effects, i have super urged to go out shopping or travel...
try to use it into outing alone or with buddies...
but side effects, my wallet shrink fast...
try to spend in my room...
loneliness attacked me with 9.0 earthquake and hyper giant tsunami waves...
i'm buried so deep, i can't even breath normally...
ah...
God, show me some hobbies to balanced out those side effects...
especially hobbies that can helped me on improving my concentrating skills...
let me study with no distraction...
let my mind focus on things i should have...
let me be able to forget the negative thoughts i normally will have...
let me become HIM...

my day...

after the confirmation of my shoes's lifespan draws near...

i become desperate on seeking for a new one...

a big and grand mission for me...

why???

it is because of my feet...

they are long and broad...

it is hard to find any suitable sport shoes for them, especially in Malaysia...

but miracle always happens through God...

been looking for the shoes and end up nothing...

i did a prayer during lunch time, and then...

i found a perfect fit sport shoes IMMEDIATELY!!!
love the way God does his miracles...

and then, follow up by purchase a backpack to replace my almost torn single sling backpack...

for me, it can be summaries as a wonderful day...

what left in my purchase list is a hat...

since my black colour hat been damage for weeks...

i still can't find any suitable hat to replace it...

hope that i can find it soon...

during the day, met a few friends and stop to have a small chat...

then only realise the truth that i had been stay away from social life for a long time...

sigh...

had to reconnect to the world...

it not easy though, but i had to take the steps no matter what...

future is still shaping...

and the shaper is me...

dream=movie

today i had the coolest dream ever...
it just like a super mega crime fighting + science friction movie...
and guess what, my favorite part of the dream is when i cried...
maybe i miss crying alot, especially when sad things happen recently and i'm unable to cry...
so, in the dream, i really cried so hard that i felt wonderful after wakes up...

well, the story of the dreams are so real and fresh...
why real?? it got the element of my recent incident(break up)...
why fresh?? the story plot is so epic!!! (for me that is)...
not sure i'm going to write down the whole story here....
cos the science friction part is actually a 2nd episode of my previous scince friction story...
so...
if i'm gonna write it down, it will like writing a full novel...
and i'm not confident with my writing skills...
so, if really want to hear about the story, you will have to bear with my "broken english"...

dreams are the best 2nd life or movie theatre~~
don't you agree???