priorities

after a few moment of tidy up my messy thoughts...

everything sets up...

i always wanted to have a casual life...

a life with everything just enough...

because happiness comes first...

i want my parents have no worries about me...

become a brother my siblings can rely on...

i want someone who loved me and trust me just the way i loved her and trust her...

i want to give her a life without stress and worries...

i want to have a future i will always be me...

the dreams seems small, but i know from the start, it requires a lot...

i forbidden myself to take part in a relationship before i finish my 2nd and tertiary education...

no relationship before i can get into an university...

and i did it...

i know i can get into an university...

i thought i have what i needed to have a future with no worries...

i start loosen up the tension in my mind and enjoy what i thought i deserved...

but looks like i miss out something...

do i really have what it takes to achieve that dreams???

the answer is no...

because i do not have the qualities in me...

theres nothing in me for others to trust...

i'm still only an empty shell...

i'm not worthy for anyone at all...

and so...

i reset my list and change the priority of what i must achieved...

build myself in a new way...

not the way i want to be...

but the way others need me to be...

all the thing i'm confident with i will unlearn and relearn them all...

i will take out what i have in me and rebuild a new content of me...

especially those bad habits of mine...

before i can acknowledge myself as a person with qualities...

i will keep on suppress myself as if i'm in the military...

everything is forbidden and focus only the task on hand...

what i been done, i have no regrets...

if i have a second chance in my life...

i will still do the same thing and meet the same people...

i will still love those i choose to love again, even though i know they will leave...

because i took them seriously...

and from now on...

after priority change...

i can no longer let anyone steps into my heart anymore...

not until i acknowledge myself...

because i'm not a player...

i'm just a human...

i will now only focus on become someone who can be trusted...

someone worthy to be loved by families and friends...

someone who can actually bring smiles on her face...

someone...

cleared...

today, i spend hours to identify the reason...
and i found it...
and she discovered too and complaint it to me...
well, although she didn't know i been trouble by this...
she did helped(indirectly)...
and so, i found the identity of the mist...

the mist which blind me and make me lost between care and love...
is my habit while i'm with people i care of...
the over-thinking plus over-reacting and over-protective...
whats that?
means care too much and worry too much for no reason...
although i'll just react this way to a few people...
but i know it is the main reason i confuse again...
and she discover that too...
what an asshole i am, hah...

and the second reason i confuse...
i feel easy around her...
why i feel that way?
i don't know...
but it great to have that with a friend...
and i do not want to change this...
and hopes that she feels the same way...
although i can be quite boring most of the time...
and keeps on saying random stuff...
but still, hopes she's ok with that...

so as conclusion...
it may be just an illusion from my over-thinking...
illusion that i may still love her...
it may be just an illusion...
just care, too care...

by the way...
as a reminder to myself...
i'm one of the crossed in that list, remember???

i lied

i lied...
although not lied about the whole thing...
but i'm sorry, i did lied...

yes, i feel emo, thats true...
i feel miserable and confuse...
and the trouble i told is also true...
just that it is not the reason i turn emo that time...
and it true that i seems to be lost in the mist of labyrinth...
AGAIN...
why i mentioned again???
because is the same old labyrinth i thought i break through long ago...

like i mentioned before...
once you loved someone with your whole heart...
that love will never leave, it will stays on and slowly transform into care through times...
you will still care no matter what...
even when they treat you as "hi-bye" friend, normal friend, best friend or even stranger...
and it goes the same for me...

why i lied???
cause i scare...
and because i care...
i can't tell you that i seems to be back in that labyrinth...
the labyrinth which keeps question me "am i care? or love?"...
i tell myself is care...
but part of me doubt it...
because i will still react the same way, do the same thing and feel the same way i did before...

why i lied???
i scare to have another stranger in my life...
i scare to lose another person i care so much in my life...
and yet, the word clarity appears...
looks like i really have to tidy up everything....
no matter what it cause...
solve it alone or with someone...
i must take the action fast....
and i know, no matter is care or love...
i will keep the answer and tell no one...
because she seems happy for the way it is right now...
with someone love her by her side and giving her happiness...
i can still remember her smile with happiness spread on her face...
i'm happy and love to see that...