priorities

after a few moment of tidy up my messy thoughts...

everything sets up...

i always wanted to have a casual life...

a life with everything just enough...

because happiness comes first...

i want my parents have no worries about me...

become a brother my siblings can rely on...

i want someone who loved me and trust me just the way i loved her and trust her...

i want to give her a life without stress and worries...

i want to have a future i will always be me...

the dreams seems small, but i know from the start, it requires a lot...

i forbidden myself to take part in a relationship before i finish my 2nd and tertiary education...

no relationship before i can get into an university...

and i did it...

i know i can get into an university...

i thought i have what i needed to have a future with no worries...

i start loosen up the tension in my mind and enjoy what i thought i deserved...

but looks like i miss out something...

do i really have what it takes to achieve that dreams???

the answer is no...

because i do not have the qualities in me...

theres nothing in me for others to trust...

i'm still only an empty shell...

i'm not worthy for anyone at all...

and so...

i reset my list and change the priority of what i must achieved...

build myself in a new way...

not the way i want to be...

but the way others need me to be...

all the thing i'm confident with i will unlearn and relearn them all...

i will take out what i have in me and rebuild a new content of me...

especially those bad habits of mine...

before i can acknowledge myself as a person with qualities...

i will keep on suppress myself as if i'm in the military...

everything is forbidden and focus only the task on hand...

what i been done, i have no regrets...

if i have a second chance in my life...

i will still do the same thing and meet the same people...

i will still love those i choose to love again, even though i know they will leave...

because i took them seriously...

and from now on...

after priority change...

i can no longer let anyone steps into my heart anymore...

not until i acknowledge myself...

because i'm not a player...

i'm just a human...

i will now only focus on become someone who can be trusted...

someone worthy to be loved by families and friends...

someone who can actually bring smiles on her face...

someone...