GoodBye

This will be the last time i blog on this webpage...
the blog i used to visit had been stop for years...
it just seems that it my turn to let go of this place...
every time i wrote here, it reminds me of that specific blogger...
it just makes me hard to forget...

since i had already made up my mind to let go everything about her months ago...
i think i had to let go of this blog page too...

move on to the next steps...
move into the future...
Goodbye my viewers...
May God bless you on your life journey...

and hope that i will never return to this blog page again...

saddest day , for now...

now i understand no matter how hard i tried... 

he will never understand how i really felt...

because his worried, anger and imagination will always block away my words and feelings from him... 

what i said will always be the opposite meaning...

is it that hard to understand my words?

is it that hard to feel that how i care for him?? is it that hard to see that i had been trying my best to suppress myself every time u start overreacting?

why by just sharing what i saw today can lead to mass murderer? why by sharing my personality, so that u can know me more can lead to insulting you and despise you? i just want to share news to you... i just want to share joy with you... i just want to have the bonding with you...

why is it so hard???

now i understand why people choose to leave their home, choose to end their life... 

it is tempting, seriously... since i was young, i had been wanted to leave my home... i been wanted to end my own life...

even now, the though will still come to my mind... why don't i just leave, safe myself from all the unnecessary argument...

all the unnecessary misunderstanding... everything was so cool until we start to talk... until i comeback ....

i want to solve things out, i really do... it just that i can't....

things will always turn bad when we talk...

what else can i do now?

moving forward

everyone tends to move on for a better life...
so am i...
recently, i had been moving forward...
moving forward with action and decision i would never made...
i don't really know is it right or wrong...
but i believe that everyone deserve a chance on becoming more...
lets hope everything is on the right track...
and hope God will let me know more about it...

emo, why WW had to ask me stuff and force me to accidentally dig them all up...

an old friend told me it time to let go...
i ask her, "let go? why? i already let go long ago"....
but when she ask me "are you sure?"...
i really don't know what to answer her...
part of me choose to lie. but part of me confess how confuse i am...
why?
because i always have bad memories...
but i can still remember...
how you looks years ago...
how you tilt your head...
the way you smile...
the way you talk...

i can even remember...
places we been to...
promises we made...
how i react in front of you...
how i become an idiot when i'm in front of you....
and every word you said...
every word, even it may mean nothing to you...
there are words melts me like ice on fire...
there are also words that stabs me and bleeds me even till now...

i once let it all go, seal them in a metal box...
hope after time pass away, the content will fade and rotten away...
most of my memories fade and forgotten that way...
but not this one...

i can still remember the first time we met and talked while you only remember the second....
i can still remember the first time you wore my coat, that is still the cutest scene i ever seen...
i can still remember how you ask me to walk in sewage so that my height is lower than your...
i can still remember the first time you borrow things from me, and it the first time i'm so grateful that i have that with me...
the first time you in trouble about love, you seek my help...
i gave you the best advice i know of, even when those advice hurts me so much...
the first time i see you in karaoke room, the way you "sit" and sing are so unique...
even after i harden my heart as steel, and throw away an old picture of you...
i can still remember every detail of that picture, your hair style, your smile, your look without spec...

even now, my reaction in front of you almost the same as i used to be...
its feels so weird right now while writing all these down...
i know really it time to let go...
i always thought i had let it go...
and i know she had let go long ago as it should be...
but the fact is...
i haven't....
i really can't stop care for her...
maybe i really have to keep myself a distance, stay far away...
so that i can really learn to let go for real, and no longer cause any unnecessary trouble for her...
i'm sure she knows...
i'm sure she is troubling and try her best to react normally in front of me so that we can still be friends...
if only i have more confident....
if only i'm not a coward...
if only that i'm good enough...

priorities

after a few moment of tidy up my messy thoughts...

everything sets up...

i always wanted to have a casual life...

a life with everything just enough...

because happiness comes first...

i want my parents have no worries about me...

become a brother my siblings can rely on...

i want someone who loved me and trust me just the way i loved her and trust her...

i want to give her a life without stress and worries...

i want to have a future i will always be me...

the dreams seems small, but i know from the start, it requires a lot...

i forbidden myself to take part in a relationship before i finish my 2nd and tertiary education...

no relationship before i can get into an university...

and i did it...

i know i can get into an university...

i thought i have what i needed to have a future with no worries...

i start loosen up the tension in my mind and enjoy what i thought i deserved...

but looks like i miss out something...

do i really have what it takes to achieve that dreams???

the answer is no...

because i do not have the qualities in me...

theres nothing in me for others to trust...

i'm still only an empty shell...

i'm not worthy for anyone at all...

and so...

i reset my list and change the priority of what i must achieved...

build myself in a new way...

not the way i want to be...

but the way others need me to be...

all the thing i'm confident with i will unlearn and relearn them all...

i will take out what i have in me and rebuild a new content of me...

especially those bad habits of mine...

before i can acknowledge myself as a person with qualities...

i will keep on suppress myself as if i'm in the military...

everything is forbidden and focus only the task on hand...

what i been done, i have no regrets...

if i have a second chance in my life...

i will still do the same thing and meet the same people...

i will still love those i choose to love again, even though i know they will leave...

because i took them seriously...

and from now on...

after priority change...

i can no longer let anyone steps into my heart anymore...

not until i acknowledge myself...

because i'm not a player...

i'm just a human...

i will now only focus on become someone who can be trusted...

someone worthy to be loved by families and friends...

someone who can actually bring smiles on her face...

someone...

cleared...

today, i spend hours to identify the reason...
and i found it...
and she discovered too and complaint it to me...
well, although she didn't know i been trouble by this...
she did helped(indirectly)...
and so, i found the identity of the mist...

the mist which blind me and make me lost between care and love...
is my habit while i'm with people i care of...
the over-thinking plus over-reacting and over-protective...
whats that?
means care too much and worry too much for no reason...
although i'll just react this way to a few people...
but i know it is the main reason i confuse again...
and she discover that too...
what an asshole i am, hah...

and the second reason i confuse...
i feel easy around her...
why i feel that way?
i don't know...
but it great to have that with a friend...
and i do not want to change this...
and hopes that she feels the same way...
although i can be quite boring most of the time...
and keeps on saying random stuff...
but still, hopes she's ok with that...

so as conclusion...
it may be just an illusion from my over-thinking...
illusion that i may still love her...
it may be just an illusion...
just care, too care...

by the way...
as a reminder to myself...
i'm one of the crossed in that list, remember???

i lied

i lied...
although not lied about the whole thing...
but i'm sorry, i did lied...

yes, i feel emo, thats true...
i feel miserable and confuse...
and the trouble i told is also true...
just that it is not the reason i turn emo that time...
and it true that i seems to be lost in the mist of labyrinth...
AGAIN...
why i mentioned again???
because is the same old labyrinth i thought i break through long ago...

like i mentioned before...
once you loved someone with your whole heart...
that love will never leave, it will stays on and slowly transform into care through times...
you will still care no matter what...
even when they treat you as "hi-bye" friend, normal friend, best friend or even stranger...
and it goes the same for me...

why i lied???
cause i scare...
and because i care...
i can't tell you that i seems to be back in that labyrinth...
the labyrinth which keeps question me "am i care? or love?"...
i tell myself is care...
but part of me doubt it...
because i will still react the same way, do the same thing and feel the same way i did before...

why i lied???
i scare to have another stranger in my life...
i scare to lose another person i care so much in my life...
and yet, the word clarity appears...
looks like i really have to tidy up everything....
no matter what it cause...
solve it alone or with someone...
i must take the action fast....
and i know, no matter is care or love...
i will keep the answer and tell no one...
because she seems happy for the way it is right now...
with someone love her by her side and giving her happiness...
i can still remember her smile with happiness spread on her face...
i'm happy and love to see that...