coward...

when comes to relationship...
when comes to things about love...
trust me, i know a lot...
i seen many friends, close to me...
started a relationship, and ended a relationship...
stared in different ways, different ages, and with the same confident that he/she is the one...
but still, the relationship ended in many different ways with a common name called "break up"...
only a few friend of mine show us that true love is always around us...
we should not give up on loving someone...
i can explain,elaborate, helps you to see things more clearer in different method, examples...
when you are sad after broke up...
i can company you, hear you out, help you to walk out of the sadness...
but myself, i used up more than one year, and yet, i'm not sure i'm fully out of it or not...
but i never able to apply any to myself...
i can help my friend see/feel how they really feels toward another...
but i, myself is the one who always don't know what is LOVE...
what it is feels like when you really falls in love...

i'm always envy those great people who are so brave and so confident when comes to love...
envy that they are brave enough to confess...
i had made 2 people cry so far while they say they love me...
i'm such a bad person...
but this is the best way i know so that the tragedy i saw before will never happen to me...
i rejected them...
i don't want them to waste their time on someone who doesn't really know his heart...
i feel so guilty...
i'll always remember the changes in their voice...
i don't want the so call try out, because it will only hurt them more...

why can people be so sure on who they love,and not like...
why am i so dull when i'm involve in love stuff???
i had been feeling things to a few certain people...
and yet, i don't know which is which...
i'm too scared to judge it as a prove of falling in love...
i'm just another coward that only knows how to hurt others...
a coward who also desperate on seeking someone to love with my whole heart...
will someone come and teach me???
lead me like how i did before to others so that they know how the really feels???
or i am still in the labyrinth that had been trap me for years???


help me...

thank you...

Oh father God, i thank you...
Thank you that you had once again show me how great is your love...
You had redirect my life once again in a way that i never expected to happen...
And yet, is the same thing God had did for me many time in the past...
my faith in God had grown even more after this incident, and it reminds me to trust you even more...
Father God, i will listen and obey, for this is what you had wanted me to do...
Thanks for the reminding, thanks for the forgiving, and thanks for everything you had done for me...
give me the confident and strength in order to continue follow the life which is accordingly to your plan for me...
Amen...

miscommunication and misunderstanding

again and again...
case : misunderstanding...
between me and my father...
reason unknown...
since i was form 2/3...

sigh...
i really hope i can have a lots of happy chatting with my dad...
but still, i'm super afraid to talk to him...
because every time when i talk about A...
what he heard is Z...

maybe because...
our frequency different???
we didn't do much talking since i was younger till now???
or it because of our family habits(think too much with a very fast processing speed and huge range)...
well...
i love my dad a lot...
just like how much i love my mom...
and that's why i still try my best to talk as much as i can with my dad...
but mostly end up being scold by him...
sigh...

and maybe because of another habits...
our family member did not communicate much with each others...
even though we are in the same house everyday...
i doubt that did we even had a normal conversation more than 15-20 lines???
of course scolding is not a normal conversation, and mostly scolding can last for hours(lost count)...
but still, i really hope that out family can always have our time together talking happily ^^

God, please teach me how to talk to my dad in a way that no misunderstanding occur....

freak

i'm a freak???maybe...
reason???
i'm too tall...
i'm sorta have multiple personality...
i can be very stupid...
i can be very childish...
i can be very mature...
i can be very gentle...
i can talk a lot of nonsense...
i can talk a lot of logical stuff...
i can talk in different tones when speak with different people...
i had seen a lot of stuff happening...
i experience many things and situation...
and therefore, every time when i start talking...
there are people feel that i'm normal...
noisy...
talkative...
bluffing...
lying...
self enjoying...
being proud...
making up stories...
and in the end, i'm a freak that fakes myself every where...

well, there's nothing i can do...
really...
cause that's the way i am...
you may feel that i'm bluffing while i'm not...
you may feel that i'm acting but i'm not...
you may feel that i'm stupid while i'm trying to make you laugh...
you may feel that i'm proud by saying what i had seen while i just want to share and talk to you...
you may think i a fake person while i'm actually standing just in front of you...
you may think i don't care how other people think...
but i do care....
and it hurts all the time...

i do try change....
but in the end....
when ever the time i change....
i feel myself fake cause i'm really is faking myself to be someone i'm not...
so...
i rather to be a freak...
i don't want to become someone else in your memories...
i just want to be me...

old "sickness"

it came back to me last night...
why???
that sickness is the nightmare i always dream of...
it not a simple nightmare...
it THE nightmare(not about what i dream, is what i feel)...
it repeated...
continuing...
non-stop haunting me if it started...
last night been dreaming that nightmare for 5 times...
somemore it continuing, like making fun of me...
used to get rid of it by prayers...
and tis time a bit harder...
i had to pray hard and clear than only i can sleep nicely...
i used to dream it everynight, everytime i close my eyes...
continuing for days and weeks...
it had been stop by church worker's prayer for almost 2 years...
and this time the 'dream' is worst than i used to had...
pray that i'll get rid of it again....
or not, i wont be able to sleep again...

it's near again...

it coming near again to new year...
and i don't know why...
a hidden memory comes back to me...
the memory i had "long ago" during new year...
so sweet...
so happy...
and yet, so fast it ended and dissapeared...
and now, it went back to me...
although it short, but it still my happiest moment...
if i have a restart in my life, i won't regret doing it again...
and i hope do able to create more memories before it end...
so that i can have something more to feel happy again...
well...
yup, it not about new year at all...
i'm just babling something in my heart and mind....
i will always remember those memories and never forget...
so that i can always feel those happy feelings again...

p.s.:i know it not making sence to readers, i apologize, sorry, it just something i gotta write out for myself... thanks for the understanding ^^

step into a whole new world...

it scary...
should be something that scary...
but don't know why...
i was calm when all those happens...

this morning...
when the time i woke up...
the world in my eyes had became black and white...
and slowly...
i see yellow...
then, orange, blue...
green and pink is the last colour that comes back to me...
am i gona become colour blind???
or i'm gona be blind???

but during all those happens...
it was beautiful...
when the colour slowly comes back...
i sudently realise how wonderfull the world IS whith all those colours...
if i really gona be clolour blind or total blind...
i hope to at least get to see a few more places...
places that God creates...
see the world...
see the nature, the view that after God create, God say "it is good"...
i hope to be able to do that...