speak it out...

alone...
one person...
is what i had been enjoying...
and it had making my communicating skill's start to rot...
i been scare to approach any group that is combine by more than 2 ppl...
i been trying to avoid to have more relation to the world i living in...
i been acting weird and starting to become someone i don't understand...
i'm a complete stranger to myself...
i got no more confident about anything...

everyone around me seems to hate me...
they seems to dislike me, and don't want to have any relation with me...
therefore...
i separate myself from my classmate...
i don't want to anoy any of them...
i don't want to show that i need their concern...
because they never will concern me...

i'm the one who always being forget in the class...
i'm invisible in the class...
i'm not exist in their world...
or just a person who passby in their life which doesn't need to be remembered...
ya, a comlete stranger...
and a stranger who know his place...

should i be sad?
should i be happy?
should i be trouble?
should i try to change any of those?
no...
because even i change, there will be no one will notice me...
no one will love me (except my family...)...
therefore i will only care for my family...
and those who remember me...
who care me...
and who is injured, no matter in physical or mentally...

the new me...
i don't know how to introduce...
but i'm sure i'll be able to say out who am i, confidently...
who and how is the real me...

woohooo~~~
moon festival for utem had just over...
been busy for weeks because of this event...
been painting backdrop(drawing and colouring "chjang er")...
been practicing for the 24 season drum performance...
and finally, we perform it nearly perfect(for our standard, which only practice for 5~6 practice gathering time)...
the only sad thing is they remove the solo part...
haha...

hmm...
the only thing i can say is, the atmosphere is very high...
even the malays and indians they all enjoy the night...
just that that night suddently raining, sigh...
happy photo taking period, happy ss(siok sendiri) dancing period, and etc...
it been a long time i been so high...
and what did you know, next event, spring festival...
i'm all in... haha...

where's all those photos???
sry, i'm not gona upload it in my blog, if u want to watch it,
please, go to my facebook, haha...
go to the album that i had been tag in, and u'll seen much of it ^^

well, i think i'm fully back to the jeffrey you all know...
and i start to trouble by different kind of stuff....
so, the only way to distract is study, playing, singing, and dancing... haha...
wish me luck guys, i want to be like i used to be, the no troubles jeffrey... ^^

back

i'm back...
the feelings that the old jeffrey always have had return...
i'm now annoying, talkative, aprochable, more daring...
althought there's really some different from the old me...
but i did come bac...

come back with a slightly different personal...
maybe thats the latest defence system i had installed myself...
been laughting out loud...
been smiling oftenly...
dare to join people once more...

i found back some of my courage...
i found back part of the OldMe...
i found back the comunication method i used to use...
i found back my natural smile...
i found back ME.

the cure...the way... the return...

hands...
i sees hands...
a lots of hands appear in front of me...
different sizes...
different lenght...
from different directions...
all from different person...

they are trying to help me,
guide me out of this labyrinth...
they are showing me,
they want me to know one thing,
I'M NOT ALL ALONE......

they are hoping...
hope that i could change back to the usual me...
the OldMe, the always happy and always cheerful me...
the OldMe that never feel sad, never emo even when i'm all alone...
the OldMe that haven't been hurt, haven't been wound...

what do i need so that i can change bac???
a time machine???
a medicine???
an accidient that make me lost my memories???
no...
not all those...
those can't cure me, and i know that!!!

i know what to do...
i know how to face it...
i been helping people around me out of those situation...
years i had done these kind of things...
i know what to do...
i want to hold those hands...
i want to go out of this miserable places!!!

but i just can't leave...
can't leave one of the "Me" behind...
the most weak personality of me...
the CowardMe, who doesn't have the courage to reach out for those hands...
the CowardMe, who doesn't want to think the way i want him to think...

why???
why CowardMe refuse to hold those hands???
what is CowardMe waiting for???
is those hands not secure enough??? no!!!
is those hands not warm enough??? no!!!
is those hands not the hands that u wana hold??? ......

who are CowardMe waiting???
i don't know...
but the good news is, CowardMe had stand up...
no more sitting...
no more numbling...
he is responding to something...
an object???
a voices???
a person???

who knows...
all the other "Me" are waiting...
waiting for CowardMe to join up with the other "Me"...
so that the OldMe can be reform again...
so that the OldMe can be return by walking out of the labyrinth...
walking out with the helps by my friends...
and show that i'm not alone...
and show that i'm healed...

like a fool

stop being good to me
don't be good to me anymore

being cold would be better instead
or being unconcerned would be better instead
taking off the dust stuck on the hem of your dress
leaning on my shoulder without a thought as you laughed
it's just a habit, but even though i erase it and spend my day busily
i think and think about it again, like a picture taken with my eyes

stop being good to me
don't ever be good to me again
i get on my knees in front of love
i don't have the confidence to be hurt
if your feelings are different
if your feelings are different from mine
when someone asks i'll introduce you calmly
as just a person i know

it wasn't that i wasn't able to answer
that late night call you gave me several days ago
i couldn't answer it
because i was drunk and from my lonely heart i might have thoughtlessly told you that i missed you
because i thought that by the morning, it would be nothing

stop being good to me
don't ever be good to me again
i get on my knees in front of love
i don't have the confidence to be hurt
because even though i miss you
to when i thought i had the entire world
i can't find the path that leads me back through that love alone
because your feelings might be the same
because your feelings might be the same as mine
i anticipate and i wait once again
in front of love today as well
like a fool
i hesitate in front of you again
like a fool

a path...

finally...
a path had been found within the forest...
a path that had been abandon for a long long time...
cover by bushes...
block out by trees...
and yet, i found it...

for the present me...
this is the only path i had seen...
for the present me...
this is the only way i can choose...

a path that is so narrow...
a path that full of holes...
a path that seems tough to walk...
a path that is so dark...
a path that unpredictable...
a path which full of doubt...

i was in a labyrinth....
a labyrinth that made up in a form of forest...
i was lost in a mist...
a mist that appear in the form of leaves and bushes...

and yet...
i found this hidden path...
after so long...
so many hardship...
a hope of path finally appear...
then again, should i took the path???

i doubt the path...
just like the way i doubt myself...
i try to forseen what lies ahead on this path...
just like i try to forseen what i will be in the future...

where will the path end???
will it takes forever for me to found out???
where will it lead me to???
will it turn out to be another complicated junction???
who will i meet???
will he/she tell me that i'm on the right path???

because i know...
once a desicion had been made...
there will be no more turning back...
no more second chance for a traveller like me...

labyrinth...

i never know i would be lost for this long...
stuck in a labyrinth....
the labyrinth in my heart...
the scale of the labyrinth is getting larger each and everyday....
it keeps expanding...
the harder i try to escape, the faster it expand...
even now a huge mist had started to appear within my labyrinth...

i know the answer i'm seeking is deep within it...
i know the only way to become "me" again is to get out of this labyrinth...
i want the answer...
i want to get out...
i want to stop all those bullshit that keep appear in my mind!!!

i used to think that labyrinth is easy to conquer...
i used to help people to conquer the labyrinth in their heart...
labyrinth of love, labyrinth of family, labyrinth of future path...
and now, i myself stuck in my own labyrinth...
the things i used to handle by giving advice and help them to see it through...
but why, i can't help myself to see through all these???

i'm too weak???
i'm too coward???
i'm too stubborn???
or it just that i never wanted to face the truth???

all i want is an answer...
answer for the reason of the sudden appear of this labyrinth...
this labyrinth in my heart...
but the answer that i'm seeking is hidden somewhere in this place...
somewhere in this labyrinth that had been trap me for this long...
i need someone to lead me out of this....
and maybe this person also know the answer i'm seeking...
but i know this person will never appear...
because no one will ever know the location of my labyrinth...
no one can ever enter the labyrinth of my heart...
and no one can ever found me in the labyrinth of my heart...

i lost in my heart...
lost in the labyrinth in my heart...

hmm...

with great courage, i march towards my destiny...
with great companion, we face the uncertainties...
we face the unforeseenable future...
future for our hair...
we went to cut out hair at mmu(serene's project)...

after the cutting, turn out to be quite nice...
to me quite ok, cos all my friend should know that i don't care much about my appearance...
going out without combing my hair and something like that...
well, the respond in the campus quite nice, my classmate all like "O.O wow...nice man, got style and handsome!!"
but i know not quite true, and then finally, there's one girl telling me the truth, and i like her so much for being honest to me...
i ask her" ugly rite?"
her reply:" the side not nice, sucks... front ok, but like a bit too long...back also ok..."
^^ like people honest to me... although sometimes the truth is heart hurting...
and i dun like to take picture much, so, i'm so sorry for not updating my profile picture...

lately get to play counter strike again ^^ wakaka, lossing my touch at the beginning... then later play until vv high... especially when headshot(around 7 headshot out of 10 kill)...
and yup, i had been plying games these few days... and the test is coming... thats why i'm dead meat... i can imagine the test paper and my lecturer saying the same sentence to me "YOU DIE~~!!"
sigh, got to start update my study info edi...

and now, i have something important to say... i had been stop reading comics after third week in my uni life... me, not reading comics, can u believe that?? haha... a comic maniac like me stop reading comics... my knowledge profile had been stop updating... is it a good thing or a bad thing to happen?? that's the question...

>n< sigh...

well... having beer right now...
drinking while playing left 4 dead 2...
and then tomorrow morning, i'll be "dead" on my bed...

lately, nothing much happen...
assignment...
games...
assignment...
games...
eat...
eat...
eat...
and sleep...

tomorrow after wake up from dead, i'll need to go for haircut...
and then washing...
rincing...
cleaning...
ironing...
calculating...
and then go climbing...

sigh... my life getting rotten and meaningless... why???

latest

shit, ate something wrong...
what did i ate??
stomach pain like hell...
luckily hav medicine, or not i now in dehydration mode...

well, my life been changing very fast...
now, i really had join the gaming life style...
games, games, and games...
why?? i not sure...
felt that my life is empty...

in university, well...
know a lot of people...
some become freinds that stick togather when no class...
most of them become hi and bye friends...
some seems hav a lot to chat but because in different group so everytime chat for a few line then go bac to our own gang...
most malay in my class call me uncle (kind of regret of my 1st introduction)...
most chinese call me jeffrey...
some nvr talk to each other...

my uni life= walk+eat+walk+eat+walk+walk+emoing...??
therefore when walking i had been singing...
making songs or sing the songs i know...
sometimes buy drinks to drink...
spend around 20 per day for food...
supper everyday...

well, i did get to know some pretty girls...
some have topic to chat...
some can easily chat...
but all are hi and bye friend except the girls in my class,because meet every lesson...
chat a once every 3 to 4 times we meet each other...
only one girl in my class dunno why say that i seems sad( and i did sad that time but with a smile on my face)...

still, i prefer to be alone for now, so normally will keep myself alone even changing class room togather with my classmates...
my university life count ok, now waiting for my friend to come to melaka for study, haha...
when he(cz) come here, then will sure ask sheng sheng and cz out for lim teh, haha...
and it time to revision edi, test coming...
hope i will have more chance to online... ^^

...

ok, still packing...
i just can't finish pack them up...
all the pictures, they keep flying around...
what can i do now?

been stuffing work and things for me to do...
volunteer for tougher assignment...
volunteer as a runner...
volunteer for photocopy...
volunteer for buying refrence book for whole class...
go for activities, any activities...
playing games...
eating...
laughting...
singing...
even join the drama group for acting...
but it still there...

my latest life...

lack of sleeping for this week... lots of assignment... even forgot to call my parents... sigh... so lucky that next week no labotary work, or not i don't even know how to survive...

well, i think i had nearly pack up most of my stuff for now... hope can finish pack for the next few more days...it more difficult than my imagine... after finish pack them up, my mask will no longer be needed... and then i will need to wait for don't know how long until i dare to take out those stuff again... what stuff is that? don't ask if you don't know, and don't tell or say it out if you know what stuff is that...

my university life, still count ok...
i gain weight when i went to singapore for work, but now i lose weight after i came to utem,haha...
my laptop, now not only have warcraft...
now it contain left four dead 2, need for speed undercover, nfs shift, counter strike, devil may cry 4...
i now also hav a series of korean funny activity show, family outing...
and now all i'm waiting for is after raya, my friend bring his external hard disk back to hostel, then i will have tons of movie, anime, comedy commercial...(all hd quality)
and have u seen a 10gb movie? i just saw one, super clear, super nice... haha

now, what i had been busying is drama practise(for moon cake festival), revision for test 1, basketball training, gym, and gaming skills...haha...
wish me luck bah...

busy like hell... is a good thing and good cure for the present me.

final...

i had decided... i will not change anything... just sometimes lend some help from leraid...
i will still be the same...
do wat i always do...
and face her like i always does....
it not neccesary for me to forget all those things...
i choose to remember it...
and i choose to maintain the feeling...
just that it is a one-side feeling...
i will still care for her...
worry her...
and help her when she needs my help...
just that now,i'll stand beside her as a friend...
a friend that i will never abandon...
never...

meaningless

well... yesterday just went to UKM... why? because there is a gathering for chinese society... 2 hours journey... from 4 pm we start our journey... reach bac to hostel is almost 1am... well, i met an old old friend of mine, MR LIM ENG KOK, wakakaka... if min jie is there then better, we 3 ppl meet again, haha... then last night whole night play left4dead2, devil may cry4, need for speed shift... 7am only go sleep, 11am wake up then go for meeting...

in the meeting, i become one of the helper in prom night, and one of the actor for moon cake festival... why? because there is a senior say i got a dramatic face =.=lll

nothing more to write, sry... because these few days really got nothing special to post... by the way, when reach back to my room after went to ukm, i was injured... hit by the celling fan in my friends room(ps: the fan is in maximum speed)...


now, the thing i mostly need is wave's sound....hope i can go to the beach right now... listen to the sea, the waves...

no more...

wounded...bleeding...
my brain no longer works...
can't think of anything...
can't concerntrate on anything...
no longer enjoying my life...
i had change, change into someone else...
i been wearing a mask these days...
a mask showing a smile...
a mask that hides my emotion...
a mask that hide the whole me in it...

i should try to get over with this...
friend told me to forget her and find a new one...
that is impoosible...
because to me, she is too perfect...
leraid is forcing me to hide deep inside my wound and seal myself up...
but the feeling i have to her is too huge...
it unable to seal up...
therefore, leraid is hidden my love in different places that i don't know...
with the help of making songs...
transfer them into the lyrics...
transfer them and forget them...
transfer them into melody...
and transfer them into the atmosphere...

after i call her, i hurt even more...
because i get to knowing something that really hurt me...
and it had given leraid more power, more determine on burry me away...
her voice, the way she speak...
every pitch of her sound shows that she is so happy...
a voice that had long burried in my memories...
i haven been able to hear that voice ever since i start dating with her...
now only i realise how suffer she is when she was my girlfriend...
i never really bring her joy...
except the decision i let her go as she wish...
and that facts had done a critical damage on me...
and i died once more after friday and saturday night...

i still love her...
even now after she tear up my heart...
and left me with nothing within my chest...
and i now living with no heart, no colour and no joy...
because she was and is the source for my heavy heart beat, the rainbow in my life, and the only reason that makes me the luckiest guy on earth...
but unfortunately,she felt that i'm not the one who is able to give her a life long happiness...
she thinks i'm not her true love...
she thinks i'm just someone she like...
she thinks we can only be friends even in the future...

then only thing i can do now is change...
change the love i have into like...
although i only heard before that change like into love...
but i'll try to change love into like...
i'll do what i can...
because that is the last thing i can do for you...
change it...
erase it...
kill it...
end it...

there are question i didn't ask her...
i don't know how to ask...
why she didn't trust herself?
why she needs to doubt?
why can't...
why not...
why leave...

maybe i'm too soft...
maybe i'm too weak...
maybe i didn't let you felt how deep i love you...
maybe you never trust me from the start...
it just all because of me that made you leave...
i'm not good enough for you...
i always lose to you, always let you win...
and in the end, i not only lose to you, but also lost you...

promise me...
be happy, be healthy...
find someone that can give you the happiness that i can't give...
and thank you for become the oxygen in my life for these years...

doubt(2)

doubt is everywhere...
why?
because we had always been doubting:
1)strangers
2)friends
3)best friends
4)family
5)your loves one
and lastly...6)ourself

why would we doubt other people even ourself??
well, that is one of the behaviour that make us human...

where is doubt come from??
from my opinion, is because of our extraordinary imagination...
as a human, we alway think too much, over consider, and over caution...
caution is a must in daily life, but too much means u can't do anything...
consider well before u act is also a must, but if over consider, the oportunities will be lost...
as for over thinking, it always the problem for us to doubt people, because for a person with colourful imagination, he can link everything to death, or link everything to desaster, but he can only link a few things in his/her life into a happy ending...
why?
it because, people who always over thinking will always remember all the bad things they been through, or they had witness...
and because all those things always gives them a huge impression, therefore everytime when they start thinking, they will always being lead towards negative thought unintentionally....
so, when they wana do something even just walk out of the door, death as an ending is still one of the conclusions they get to conclude in their minds...

well, if readers have any question after reading this post, don't panic , it is a normal phenomena...
why?
because i also not sure what i had been typing this few minutes... haha...

i am a person that always overthinking, but seldom doubt people...
people can cheat me very easily, even strangers, because i am the type of person that trust people easily...
thats why i'm so glad and happy because i'm so lucky to have a bunch of friends that only joking with me, play with me, and honest with me...
what i did wrong, what i had to change, they told me directly, not from 3rd parties...
they are great, wonderful...
they never cheat on me...

if you ask me, in my opinion, when will there be no dount in this world, i'll say it will only happens when people went back to stone ages...
it will happen when human don't know what is lie, cheat, and benefit...

last sentence of this post,
if you still gona lie or cheat people, you gona non-stop doubting people...

:(

i'll continue to trust her... no matter how... she's struggling, battle with the shadow in her heart... although she didn't tell me... but i'll still wait the day that she won the battle... i'll wait...

been online these few days... keep online, and online... watching movie, reading comics, playing facebook... suddently feel that i'm so lucky to get to study again, because i can have something for me to do again... a important task, new task a brand new chapter in my life... if i did it well, my future will be much more easier to survive...

i do miss her... but i don't dare to sms her... why? i'm not sure... she's been busy on her asignment, she can barely have the time to rest... i don't want to disturb her, i want her to concerntrate... but in the other hand, i scare negative effect may occur... sigh...

doubt is everywhere... i hope that there's no doubt between us...

...

i'm an idiot...why? don't ask, because i don't like tellin people how idiot i am...

another judgement day in my life is drawing closer and closer...who would thought that it would be so slow and yet seems so fast.... which local university would i get? utm? ums? utem? or none? hope to know it soon....i mean very soon...

hope to try many things before i go to university... but some of the thing, i'll just remain the same, because i had promise...

change is what i had to do... a little change on the communication methode... no more saying A but people heard Z...

...

人生就像迷宫一样，在绝路中寻找希望，在不同的选择中选出对的道路，不管你再怎么讨厌这个迷宫，再怎么委屈，痛苦，你都得走完它，因为把你的人生走完是你的责任，无法逃脱....不过在这个迷宫里你不是孤独的，有很多人在你身边陪着你，关心你...这些人就是你的家人，情人和朋友，别把它们存在的意义给抹煞掉...

suddenly apear in my mind so i post it here and in facebook... it's not something special, just made it up after some conversation with my friends... it about snail maze..haha... don't ask about it, trust me, you don't wan to know about it,haha....

for now, i'm trying to write with full spellings, trying... because i get some complain about my posting style... haha... my grammar not that good, spelling also(due to daily sms, those word's correct spelling had been replace by shortcut writing...) well, i'm going to try that anyway, just start it earlier then what i had plan. hope i can do it well ^^

...

hmm... my first day after my last day of job... i sleep like a pig, wakakaka.... well, i sleep till aroung afternoon i think... cios when i wake up my dad aask me to eat lunch edi... then after lunch, i go bac up stairs and then play psp for a few minits and then i fall asleep... n i just woke up... lol... by the way, tis post will be vv long...hav a nice reading ya... cos nonsence a lot...

monday(7th of june)
working... working... then reach hm...do wat forgot...

tuesday(8th of june)
took leave, so not working... sleep at 5 am( i'm sry), then 6 am woke up, sms smy honey see shes awake anot, (cos if not i'll call her) thensleep bac till 12? erm... nop i sleep till 3pm... then saw msg that outing cancel.. so i online, eat and bath.... then blur, cant think edi...

wedsday(9th of june)
work... erm, not really count working lah, cos keep doing my clearence... then used up my last annual leave... so, i 12 pm go bac from company and end my last day of work.... and then when i reach cs, i walk walk for a while.... and buy something to eat... and then, on the bridge that attach to cs, theres a bunch of ppl giving ppl lucky lottery scrach... one of them stop me and ask me to open one(something like tikam) he say just may be is some voucher, according to the color dot, if get thank you then he is sry, ntg harm... so i open and i got grey( 1st prize), he's face turn blank and then say is this the first tim i encounter their company ppl (which mean first tim open tis tikam?) so i say ya, then he keep say all jusco hav their ppl de wor, did i really nvr encounter? so i ask which jusco, he answer all jusco in jb area hav... somemor since 1st of june... then he take out piece of paper with picture attach... show me all the price i may get with that grey dot, smallest laptop, biggest meccedis car(dunno the spelling)...and hav ppl taking picture with their prize... he will say if get car i had to go jpj pay for the lotax and the number plate money only, the car already fully paid... if dun wan can take cash also... and at the same time, got a girl com and congratz me... then say can treat them kfc anot? just two of them since i get first prize...blar blar blar... then ask me to follow them right away, and say he must go with me to PERMAS JAYA JUSCO to scan the grey dot for the prize, and he must follow so that if i get car he will get bonus.... and then i get away... i call my dad (he 100% ask me to go bac hom, dun wan me to go) and make up a show that my dad insist me to go bac first and then he go with me... then he ask me not to call, say fathers day comming, dun tell them, give him a surprise.... but i still call, and then go hm... he left half of the tikem paper to me(hav grey dot that part) and say when i go i must com bac to fetch him, he wan the bonus from the car(lol, from bukit indah go cs to fetch him then bring him to permas jusco for something not real??) yup, it tipu de, sure not real... cos my house located just beside jusco indah leh... lol... no ppl giving out those paper like them... and somemor i got went to taman u de jusco a few days ago, also none... they wan ceat also cheat the correct ppl lah.... and this is the "wat if" that we should nvr believe in, how can u get something so nice without pay anything?? lol... when reach hm, just as i thought, my dad done a lot of searching on tat tikam thing edi...and, i saw alot of ppl post on sinchew or cinapress wat happen to them, all the procedure even the grey dots are all the same... and all is say go to PERMAS JAYA to scan for their price.... kl also hav this kind of thing happening... also go to one specific place, i forgot the place, but my fen and gf in kl, please be carefull... dun fall for it... then ntg special happen... sms with honey, sms with erik(although he no reply), sms with cz, no go clubbing, then online for a while then psp for a while, then sleep...

ITS back!!!

well... after another night of thinking(6th of june)... my smile came back... although is not fully bac... but i did smile today... n no more moody... yesterday i so bad... whole day same expression, my parent thought i mad at them...sigh...
well, although no more moody... but still, not that active as i used to be....today diam diam one, and when i alone doing work, i start to mix word and music togather(creating songs)... but sad, i dunno any instrument, so i will nvr complete any song...

the main reason my smile bac is becos i had figured it out completely edi... wat i really ned to wait is not 4 years... is satu ayat from her... only when her heart trully confirm it, then only she MAY say it out... why may? cos she dunno wat is this ayat i'm waiting to hear...is not something sad or negative... is something that means alot... only after i heard that sentence, the real joy i will have, becos wat i believe will be real ^^ but still, maybe i ned to wait for months, or maybe years... but i dun care, i will wait n wait...



my dad ask why i wana lock myself to a girl so fast, my reply:" cos to me,she is the one..." "wat about her?" "i had to believe..."

不见了...

在那里？从没试过这个样子...
第一次发现到原来要笑是这么的困难的...
我今天到现在还没笑到一次...就连微微的弯起嘴角的微笑都做不到...

以前就算再多的心事，我都可以带着微笑度过每一天，因为不想让身边的人为我担心...

笑容到底去了哪里？我找不着...
原来我也会这样没有笑容的度过一整天...
原来当我知道我带给她的只是烦恼会让我失去笑容...
原来她真的就跟我想的一样是那么的重要...

when she say she dun trust herself, my heart hurts...
when she remmove her name, i felt sad...
when she say she dun trust love, my heart nearly stop...
when i realise i bring her troubles...i lost my smile...

i know where my smile had gone to...
becos my smile will always be there...be with another smile that i love...

shit

whole night no sleep... sigh... cant get to sleep... my brain too lousy... no choice... hope ltr after church i get to fall asleep and stop thinking... or not ltr nite ned to sleep vv vv early... i too easy be effected le lah... or i too care those word edi?

stupid me

can't sleep... y?? becos i did something wrong... over worry is really something wrong... looks like i really had to change... i know that long ago that she is independent, and how mature she really is... but all thanks to my stupid brain... sigh... got to seal that part of the brain to stop having those thoughts running... sry for being so naive, sry that i been behaving in this kind of ways... no more questioning from me anymore... even if silent all the way, i wont gona ask anything extra just for a longer conversation... even if i cant hold bac and wana ask, it wont be more then 3 question... i'm really sry...

clueless?? dun think so...

well... been trying to ask anyone of my fren to go out with me... why?? i tired of sitting in my room n wait for the time to rot my body and spirit... been feeling empty... something really had gone missing... well, at least today get to ask fynn out with her siblings... walk around following them... having a few conversation... then take them hm... well, not bad actually... but something seems wrong... wat went wrong i dunno...
tis few days, i been feeling something not right... bad omen... i'm dying?? hmm... well... dun care... if it true tat i'm dying... then the first thing i gona do is do everyhing she hate so that she gona hate me until even when she heard jeff she gona close her ear n stop listen... so that news wont spread to her... if not i'm gona die, then nvm... wakakaka... think too much edi...
well... i plan something a head, but i haven tell my parent... will they aprove??
headache getting better edi, good sign, n becos of this week unknown sickness, my balloon becom smaller edi...
the reason for headache, i think i got some clue edi... first, is becos my family... my parents querrel gave me too much sress... 2nd is the uni confirmation, the day is getting nearer n nearer, so more stress... 3rd, my relative all so native n clueless that their so call help for my parent is actually sugar to active children, make it worst only...4th, my relative all keep asking my dad about my uni confirmation, n it indirectly cause me a lot of questioning from my dad, n is also indirectly cause me stress... STRESS is the cause of my headache, end of story.
advise for reader's pls, beware of stress...


if u felt that my post is vv messy, my apologize, cos i just simply type every incident n thought directly into the post whenever they pop out of my mind when i type, so...i'm sry.

cause of my headache...

my parents querrel again... i had lost count it occur how many times during tis few weeks... my dad start to take loan from bank but still forbidden my mum to go work... lol... they both stubborn... always the same subject, same line, same argument, same reaction, the querrel just like repeated everyday... woke up in the morning, the first thing i hesard is their querrel... be4 sleep, last thing i heard also is their querrel... damn, i couldn't do anything... i tried many times... and due to the same reason (my freaquency n my dad freaquency are always different) my dad always misunderstand wat i said n then end up messy... sigh... my relative call my parent, intend to help, but they support everything my dad say without using their brain to think... they judge things without knowing the whole story... they support my dad because they know ntg about wat had happen n thought everything my dad say is correct... the problem is, my parent they both wrong... i felt tired edi, stress, i even wan to give up uni n go work for my whole life..why? cos my dad not working for years, my mum being ask to resign, no income for the family... i cannot create gold out of water, n water also ned money to buy... lol... i been thinking about this matter for weeks n in the ednd, i been sick for days... even now when i start to think of this my headache bac again...sigh... i'm a total failure, wat can i do...

sick week

monday(31th of may)
ate something wrong, make me stomachache, feel like vomit... and somemore heavy headache... therefore, i took mc n went hm... on the way i brought a novel name "the magician's apprentice(by trudi canavan)"... and then suffer at hm for the rest of the day, except sms time....

tuesday(1st of june)
when to work, but the vomit feeling become worst, headache also... the nurse dun let me c doctor, cos i gona stop working after next week(i resign) so cannot take mc... therefore i tahan for the rest of the day while working outside of the office(carrying, picking, folding...) and becos of this, i took pto( paid over time leave) for wednesday...

wedsday(2nd of june)
sleep till 10.40am... but i sleep on 4 am in the morning... my alarm rang at 6 but i didnt heard it, therefore, no morning call for honey... then i bath n then inform yi sin that i gona go n fetch her n then go terbau jusco watch movie n eat lunch+breakfast... so we reach jusco at around 1 something, then i saw gao gao, sss and storm... n i talk to a girl which after that i found out is my fren's sister, haha... then we straight go to buy movie ticket, at first wan buy prince of persia, but then saw shrek 3, n she wan to watch, so no choice, we go n see shrek 3... 3pm movie... so we go and eat my lunch(so hungry)... after that meal, i still not full yet, but not intend to eat anymore... then i saw cizi, juan hao, erik and andy... go say hi.. walk with them a while while yi sin alone in front of the cinema( she wan sms with frens)... then after short while i fast fast go bac to cinema there... and then we enter the cinema to watch movie... well, the movie quite nice.... and then after that terus go hm... and then i steam the rice and meat... and then call my sis, bro n dad to eat dinner...and then after bath, my headache come bac again... lol...

thursday(3rd of june)
tis time, no headache... but the vomit feeling super serious... ppl in company all thought i pregnant edi(lol, i'm a guy leh) i go for company clinik again(3.30pm),wat i get is medicine only, somemore no use tat type... no choice but to beasr for the whole day again... after 7 pm, i start to feel better... maybe becos i change my breathing method n the effect of medicine finally come out after 3 hours... and then 8pm off work, when reach jb terus go meet cizi,xian jun, gao gao, ceaser and erik... we yamcha froim 10pm till 1 am...haha... chat all sort of thing... got rubbish talk for laughting... make joke of each other... let fren know their bad habits so that they change...n discussing about the desaru trip...

friday, reach hm from lim teh, terus bath n update blog....

count down...

wow, time pass with an enormous speed, end of may already?!?!?! count down four more day for one important event in my life.... june holiday trip? i dunno....count down 16 days to my final day in work... count down one month to know whether i get to enter university anot.... but still... i still counting my 4 years waiting... hope it can pass by faster....

kluang

early in the morning, set of to kluang... when reach kluang, terus watch "小胖流浪记"(fatty liu lang ji) =.=lll and in the afternoon, i been sleeping... feels so GOOD, wakakakaka....

well... didnt come out as aspected... not so sad in the end, haha...
i "visit" my grandmother to day in kluang, told her what i did recently, my result, my work, my relationship... quite ok loh... haha...

having a feast in kluang, my big aunt's cooking, haha, enjoy vv much, especially the curry fish head, haha...

tats all gua, cos i dont know wat to write edi... T.T

doubt

why there are doubt? is to justified something we unsure?or to find n gain more reason for us to confirm our stand? or to change our view, our decision to a 180 degree changes? where is our confident? our confident to trust, to believe? is it that far and out of our reach?

i once doubt my feelings... and in the end, i had justified it true.
i once worried... but i manage to find reason to carry on my journey.
i once dissapoint... disapoint that i dount before... and because of doubt, now, i gain confident on what i believe... but confident could not hold long when there is only one ppl who trust on it, it will need another to support, another to provide more reason, and another to trust togather...

how long can i hold my trust? how long can i hold my confident? how long...

finally...

well, after a long long long long time, i get to update my blog edi, ^^
been working tis few months, in singapore... n my wireless connection hav problem, so only now get to update my blog again...^^

well, everything goes fine, just tat feel quite lonely n boring... because i had been re-do all the same thing everyday...wake up, rush to get on that bus kilang, cross custom, eat bekfast at woodland centre, then go to my working place in yishun, then sit in front of the computer and check all the number n alphabet for 11 hours, then go hm (which include passing custom n wait my parent to pick me up at station one)... only nite tim i feel more happy , maybe because get to msg her bah...

seldom contact all my fren edi, my form 3 till form 6's friends... only still stay in touch with less then 10 fren's... yup, no typing error, it less then 10, it a single digit...haha... but still, feel satisfied edi, cos at least i know there are still ppl rmb me ^^

well, i gona let my fren know about my blog soon... for now, there's only one person know my blog... still considering whether i wan to delete my previous post or keep it... cos will feel paiseh if let them saw my older post... haha... cos it all wat i really feel n really think snd post it out without any rephrase, without any changes,feel like i just put out my heart n put it out to let ppl c... haha... we'll wait n see bah, whether i keep or erase...

tats all bah... start from now, i gona try update my blog at least once per week... gambateh neh...

so many week has pass...miss her...

new

hmm... few days no post any post edi... sry for tat....well, i forgot most of the things tat happen in cny edi... but i'll try to fill in the gaps...

overall, tis year cny quite boring, not as fun as usual year.... becos my grandmother not around anymor, n tis year most of the tim is using laptop,wii,tv.... no interact as much as last few years....sigh....

my another grandmother fall sick during cny, vomit.....n her new maid,i kind of hate her.... she dare to talkback to my grandmother, n even curse my grandmother... i get to know tis right after we leave batu pahat, so cant do anything to her, if i get to know earlier, i'll scold her gao gao, n even pursuite my aunt to change tat maid.... angry, arg!!!

in kluang, the atmosphere still ok, just tat less one person.... but quite enjoy in kluang....

then, friday, 19th of feb 2010....i go to singapore with my honey... n tat day we officially becom real couple, ^^ super enjoy tat day, n vv happy, we went to singapore science central,body world,jurong point.... but becos of tat day, it make me even more miss my honey everyday.... sigh....oh ya, tat day we exchange our valentine's day present due to the actual valentine's day is on the 1st of cny, can't meet.... she gave me a lovely pink crystal puzzle bear...i gave her own made chocolate n few other things....n i start to miss her vv much edi....

2day, my parent quarrel.... at least tim tim they hav say out wat they feel n settle in the end... then we whole family go out tis evening, go sing k n eat sushi... haha... long tim no go out like tis edi...^^

tada~

just cut my hair today.... my mum cut it... haha....not sure it look good, but at least get a new look for new year...^^
except my family, my honey is the 1st one who saw my new hair look (although she now in kl)

get the call from mr roince, n tat means i going to go for interview next monday, hope i could get the job....

tis few day no more dying dream, haha... cos been vv late sleep, tis few day sleep around 5 or 6 am.....lol, my pimples are coming out....

missing u.....

T.T

tis few days keep dreaming that i die... die in different way...wat happen? is it a sign tat something vv bad will happen? or i gona die edi... becos of that when i wake up, i immediately msg someone important to me....sigh... hope 2day not going to die in my dream again...

i scare to lose her...

gona be jobless again....swt... but nvm, try find other job bah....

headache... y malaysia university doesnt provide the course nanotechnology.....now i got to try find someother course... wat should i go n study? psycology? machenical?? material engineering? nuclear?? or acca..... so difficult to chose...the result gona com out on 24th of feb... waa.. scary.....

haha, my honey 2day go ice skating... most likely that she enjoy her day bah....

sigh... in the end, my ot pay could not make any change... sigh.... hope tat i get to promote earlier....today, my fren n his girlfrend so mushy... my hair all jump up,haha....
2day nearly sell out laptop, but swt... the customer's fren say something to the customer n then, walah, the customer gone...lol...
2day recount all the stock..n we did it all over again... n the result the same...lol...
2day at alot of stuff in my buying list... but must c how much money i can get... then i will buy them...i wan buy something for my dear,but most of the item in my list she hav edi... got to go n find something else, something special.....

actually i got a lot of things to write... but now... my mind suddently go blank..... dunno wat to write....something happen...it was so happy just now... but then... my mistake... i said something wrong.... my dear vv angry with me...somemor ask her fren forward msg for her T.T
via the msg, now only i know wat kind of feeling i gave her.....all the unsecure, uncertainties......wat can i do to change tat feeling....wat can i do to show her how serious i am.....how....

well... what do you know...my ot salary only hav RM 3 for 2.5 hours... what kind of pay IS that??swt... gona hav a little talk to the manager tomorrow...sigh....
i finnaly got my working id,from tomorrow morning i must use my tumb print to check in....

dear just brought her laptop tis afternoon, but cannot use tonight cos her brother take away for installing...dunno her area got wifii anot... hope that she gonna get her wifii soon... miss her....

wat a day...

sigh...been working for 3 days...all tis 3 days been working mor one hour free...no ot for that one hour working time...y?? because of that stupid audit of the company... lol, they come n check, but didn';t check properly... in the end... we had to check ourself and undo their mistake.... sigh....

lately been hitting my own heart... y?? because i just realise that the laptop i brought few weeks ago had change their contain, with another one hundred more i'll get the same model with an i5 processor...lol, mine is core 2 duo... not more then one month... sigh... sad... n i had to look at the model everyday,since i'm now working in a computer shop...T.T

lol, wei wei just ask me to buy hair removal for my dear... swt...dunno how to react...

well, had to sleep edi, got to work 2moro...tats all for 2day bah... sry that ntg special happen in my li\fe....

another 1st da...

haha, today is my 1st day to work.....vv tired... Why?? because my job is to carry goods.... lol... desparate to work untill chose tis kind of work to do... no choice, singapore factory dun wan me... so i just simply go get a job n do... actually quite enjoy the work although vv tiring... my working partner,Atoy, is also my trainer... he's a malay, nice person,haha... my supervisor, long?(not sure, something similar to tis voice), n my store department taiko,kuan,who alway use bad word to joke around... they all vv friendly,,,^^
my exclassmate is also work there, she's the clerk over there... although we were classmate, but the conversation we had today just merely 3 sentence?? haha, lol....
working, feel nice,but the leg n shoulder does feel nice, haha, but at least i enjoy the atmosphere over there, no stess..haha... 2moro got to work also, so, until here bah....

First day...

Haloha~~ today is my first day posting a blog, this is my very first blogspot, my one and only blog had created....hope that every reader will like the way i blog my stuff, haha....

well, you can call me Leraid, or Cow... or even the nickname u come up for me after reading my blog for a few tim, i'll generously accept it, haha.... i'm around 185~186cm tall, wearing spects, not fat, not handsome... and yup, i'm a guy, a simple guy....

this is not only the first day i create my blog, it is also the first day the girl i love and care told me she love me.... but it also the day she go to KL for the purpose of further study.... and thats the reason we did not become a couple....(coward rite)... i don't want to bind her,although i really want to be with her, because she gona be there for 4 years, so we decide to wait each other for 4 years....and i really hope that we can become a real couple before that, haha.... so, lets wait....and see....